You Never Know When

Come now, her text read. That was all she needed to guess. Within seconds, I was in my moms car. As I drove, I c at one timentrated on keeping my look dry, trying not to think about what I was about to do. My muscles were tense, my teeth were clenched, and the closer I got to her tolerate, the faster the blood pumped through my dead body. disorderliness and terror took over my thoughts, making my attention to the road unreliable. I had never had to use so much willpower to focus on my driving. The man seemed to be standing still at this very moment.That feeling I confound never matte before, of total sadness. I entangle wakeful and dazed as if I were falling or dreaming. I anticipate this was going to happen, but I could never be prepared for it. I didnt know what to say, I was totally speechless. I was burning up, I felt dizzy but not much t auricula atriis were coming ware my face. I had to hurry and get there. I cute to escape or runaway anything to make this feeling f ade. But I knew it was time once I got the text. I Just didnt want to believe it was happening afterwards everything.Part of me treasured to scream my heart out and the other part wanted to hit something with the anger that was raging inside of me. I was angry because I couldnt help her even though I esperately wished I could. I felt defenseless because I knew there was nothing I could do. Once her house finally appeared, I ripped the keys from the ignition. As I ran to her front door, I wondered if I should be sprinting toward this daunting event, but my trembling hands were already turn the doorknob. Shes dying, she told me a couple of weeks before.I dont remember hearing anything after that. Maybe it was because her sobs do her course inaudible, or maybe I had stopped listening, but every way, I had not believed her. Being best fri terminations with a straightforward lady friend whose mother was battling sickle-cell gave me many speechless oments. This was one of them. I hel d the phone to my ear as I listened to her cry painfully. Finally, I managed to whisper, No I wanted to say, Thats not true, or Itll all get better soon, but how did I know that?Each time I promised her that she would get better my words were contradicted by her doctors. The hospital visits were ending with more depressing news, but I still had not believed her. I wasnt willing to accept that things like this happened to the great unwashed I knew. Now here I was, standing in her wash room. She hugged me and whispered, Be strong. Then she pointed to her mothers bedroom. Entering the room, my emotions escaped from me as if I had taken too big of a breath and let it loose. Insuppressible sobs shook my body as I reached for her hand.But this wasnt the woman I knew the lady who taught me how to speak a second language, the silly lady who sang along to Keep It To Myself era bringing us home from school which was three minutes away, or even the woman who became my second mother duri ng a trip to sunrise(prenominal) Orleans Just six months earlier. I was holding the hand of sickle-cell. Pimples peppered her change face, and her skin was loose from the weight she had lost. I couldnt believe t had very happened. The past few months had been like an incredible Journey and this was now the end.The end being she was no longer here, never to be seen again. How do you say good-bye to someone who knows shes dying? I didnt want my last moments with her to be heavy-hearted. Fighting my irregular breathing, I began to list all the nappy propagation we nad snared. I thanked ner tor the vacations I went on, and for the compassionate, strong, beautiful daughter she had raised. When I finished, I said, l will miss you. I love you. I was no longer shaking as I gave her hand a lovable squeeze. That day shaped the way I live. I realized that no one is invincible.It was a terrifying awakening, and initially I lived in a world of what ifs making fear a routine feeling. In ti me, I came to a different conclusion I need to appreciate lifetime I cannot allow myself to take it for granted, because I dont know when my life and the lives slightly me will come to an end. My continued decision to be chemical-free comes from my realization that I am lucky to have a body that sustains me. I have learned to forgive easily. Weve all heard the phrase, Our time is precious we shouldnt tempestuous it, but it wasnt until I held deaths hand that I learned to live that way.